Staying in a toxic relationship happens usually because of the perks it brings — social status, looking good, feeling comfortable or somehow sexy, appreciated, feeling like you’re doing something good as you might be in a mission to change the other and so on. Identify these benefits or positive things you are getting out of the relationship.
Toxic relationships are not just the ones with a life partner, they can be between mother and son/daughter, boss and employee, best friends, waiter and client and so on. Toxic relationships are, for me, those relationships that give me the feeling that I’m not taking care of myself the way I’d love to — mentally, spiritually, and physically. Those relationships that make me forget or sacrifice my goals for a better good, usually something acceptable by society that is not necessarily a better good for myself.
As well though, identify how you feel, especially when and why you feel bad. Log these emotions, keep track of how often you feel the way you’re feeling. If it happens most or all the times you meet a certain friend, let them go or meet them less frequently.
If one or more honest conversations about the relationship is not changing anything, if the patters in that person repeat towards yourself and others all over again — don’t stay in the relationship to save that person. Trust your intuition and leave, before you damage yourself even more.
As you’ve identified the good and the bad, letting go of that toxic relationship means you’ll get rid of all that bad list of feelings. What you need though is to find other relationships that can give you the good list and benefits that the relationship you just ended used to give you. Support friends, family, a lover — they can all help you as long as they are the right one. It’s useless to replace one toxic relationship with another.
If letting go is about a romantic relationship, trust the right one is on its way. But question yourself first if you are the right one for a potential partner? Giving yourself time to pursue your passions, feel whole again, happy with your life and heading towards the life you want to have — this will give you the right energy to really find the right person.
If you need to let go of a parent or a son — it’s obvious you can’t just let go. But you need to put some distance — move in another place in a different neighborhood, maybe even some other city or country. Whatever is needed to give the relationship a different dynamic. Of course you’ll keep in touch, but you need to be on your own in order to have the space you need to grow. And the conversations and attitudes that were drowning you are going to change, freeing you up.
A quote I love from Oprah says that “we can’t become what we need to be by remaining what we are”. A toxic relationship keep you who you are — and you need to become more. Hope these lines gave you some inspiration on how to do that. Now go and allow yourself to become who you need to become!
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